Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
