dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
you had me at cake vodka
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
