Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
