I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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