dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
