I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
