I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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