I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
