I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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