so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
