she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
