I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Sex in the backyard? Check.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
