For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
