Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
