I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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