You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
