someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
