I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
