Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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