Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
