I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
