Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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