worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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