Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize