I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
