My cat gives me a boner
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
