Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
