We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
