TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I think I am morally bankrupt
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
