he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
