I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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