I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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