do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
