I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
