You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
