Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
