I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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