i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
