He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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