We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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