Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
