evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
