hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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