I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
