either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
