dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
There are leaves in my underwear?
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