There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I believe in your delicious
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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