My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
