May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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