The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
