I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
