the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
