I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
