I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
