The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Randomize
