i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So here I am, sexting at work.
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