I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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